Saturday, May 28, 2011

Real Mommies...

Liv-"Mommy, when will you be a real Mom?"
Me-"A real Mom? I thought I was ?"
Liv-"Nope. Real Mom's make dinner that tastes good and they drive vans. Oh, and they have bigger boobies."

I thought I was a pretty cool Mom. Apparently, I was mistaken.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

It's like Jr. High all over again.

I really don't think it's fair that I have lost 15 lbs on WW, and the only clothing I have had to replace are bras. I've gotta say, I feel cheated, and even though he doesn't say it, I think Cody might too.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Terrible Two's? Nobody warned me about 4.

Two was nothing compared to this.
Two year olds don't weigh 40 lbs.
Two year olds don't know how to hide things.
Two year olds don't trick their brother into taking the blame.
Two year olds aren't facinated with talking about vaginas, toilets and poop.

I do admire her stick-with-it-ness, her wit, and her beautiful smile. And when I am not secretly wondering what I did to deserve her, this girl really does brighten my day.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Old news.

"Mom, why does your face look mad?"

"Gee Liv, I don't know. Could it be because in a 15 minute span, you hit your brother in the face with a sand shovel, emptied out the dirty laundry hamper in the hall looking for your Hello Kitty shirt, and dumped your cereal on your lap?"

"No, that can't be it. Maybe it doesn't look mad after all. I thought those wrinkles were angry, but I think you're just getting old."

At some point in my life, I must have thought to highly of myself. That's why God gave me Alyvia- to make sure that I know that I am, in fact, the biggest loser around.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Miracle Pagina

NOTE- If you want to look me in the eye again,you probably won't want to read on.

Liv to her friend (an only child)-

-Liv-" My Mom's probably got a really sore pagina compared to your mom. She had two babies, and we flew out of her pagina. Gross, hey?"
-Friend- "My Mom has a pagina too. That's weird."

Cue hysterical giggling.
Even though they're 4, and I'm the only person in the house, I'm humiliated.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Break out the self tanner...please!

Public Service Announcement: If you heard that Casper was loose in town, there is no cause for alarm. That was just me, I busted out the shorts today. I apologize for any blindness I may have caused.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Happy Mother's Day

Liv- "Happy Mother's Day Mom!"
Me-" Thanks Liv!"
Liv-"Now remember, you get what you get, and you don't throw a fit."
Me-"Oh, ok. What do I get?"
Liv- "Well, you can get up now and make us a special Mother's Day Breakfast, I guess."
Happy Mother's Day to me!

My husband isn't much better. When you are presented with the EXACT model number of the new coffee pot I want, maybe, just maybe you could make that happen. I appreciated the sweet facebook message, but that doesn't make coffee on a timer, now does it?

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Hard at Work

I'm a little bit scared to see what Liv's room looks like once she is done the "Mother's Day Masterpiece" in there. The large container of pink sparkles, and the need for a second tube of glue is freaking me out.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Buy your kid a damn teething toy.

Mommy Tip: If the cashier at the grocery store is looking at your kid in the cart with an awkward smirk on her face, you might want to check on him. He has probably stolen a tampon out of your purse and is using it as a chew toy.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011


Liv-"I can't wait until I'm a hundred, and I can die."
Me- "What?!! Why would you want to die?"
Liv- "Well, mostly because I could go to heaven. God doesn't feed you cous-cous in heaven."

Point taken.